Our Marketing Philosophy



Here are the three things we know unequivocally about marketing…

And it’s pretty much the only three things we know because we’ll be the first to admit that we are on a constant and never-ending learning curve, forever scrambling not to slip down on it and end up on the flat of our asses.

Performance-based tactics and online tools are changing so rapidly that we have to employ two researchers dedicated solely to keeping up with the flood of information so that they can arm us with the right weapons to finish any given battle as quickly as possible.

But we digress…



Here are the three things you need to succeed in marketing today.

You need:

1) Warriors – and if you don’t have your own in-house ones – we suggest you stop reading this right now and go get some.

All organizations – for-profit, not-for-profit and even government organizations – must be marketing savvy today. And that means you have to have people on staff that know how to get the word out there, pull in donations if you are a not-for-profit or win you funding if you are a governmental organization.

So instead of us giving you a fish, we suggest we teach you how to fish so you can feed yourself – at least for a while. If you remember the Little Caesar’s advertisement “Pizza, pizza!”, check out TrainingTraining.com.

2) Weapons – as we said above, you need to be constantly testing and replacing old marketing tactics that don’t keep you competitive with your enemies;

3) Something To Fight For – which includes the will to pull the trigger - you need a purpose, a mission – and we’re not talking about those one-paragraphers that some outside person comes in to help you craft.

If you own a business or are a top marketer in a business, and you don’t have marketing passion - if you don’t have it in you and you can’t articulate why everyone has to buy your product – you might want to stop here, get your resume together, and go straight to www.Monster.com.

Note: You might have realized if you’ve made it down to this point that we’re a little harsh. If our pointed attitude is not for you, you’re not our target audience. Thanks for your time.

But as Hamlet says, we are only being cruel to be kind.

We want to save you time and money – and honestly, save us time.



Moving On…

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s just say that unlike other con-sultants, we get in, get shit done, and get out. There is too much money to be made out there to hang around and milk indecisive clients.

And again, sorry if we offend you with our harsh language and plain-speaking positioning, but understand what you are competing with.

In today’s cluttered advertising world, marketers are desperate for attention. If you haven’t noticed this, you haven’t been paying attention.

They will:

- slap a brand on a kid’s forehead to get press;

- hijack your computer with pop-ups to drill their message into your mind; or

- trap you by slipping their logo on to the gum-catcher in the urinal where you’re a captive audience.

So because we have to suit you up to fight your ruthless competitors, we don’t have time to mess around with touchy-feely, unproven strategies that fall under the category of Wimp Marketing.

But if that’s what you’re looking for – cool marketing that will win you advertising awards, but not battle-tested to do three things and three things only

- attract;

- retain, and;

- monetize customers,

then we can recommend many other marketing consulting firms that will provide you with as many yes-men as you want to pay for.

That being said, here’s what we believe in, and why we think we’re pretty damn kick-ass. But just confident, not cocky because we know that we, like you, can be dinosaur bones in the blink of an eye.



How You Can Earn $1000.00 With A Simple Email

Any of our consultant-partners can be replaced at any given time. Anyone can be voted off the island. If they’re not at the top of their game, then they’re gone.

And we put our money where our marketing is.

If you know of anyone who wants to interview to be on our team, email us.

If we check out their self-professed results with their clients and decide that they can provide our clients with better results, then we swap out the weakest link of our existing consultant-partners in any given functional area – and you get $1000.

Just check out our functional areas, dive into your Rolodex and email us. But please don’t waste our time recommending random people. If they suck, we will mock you – publicly.



And What About Loyalty To Team?

We are very loyal to our team-mates. And our consultant-partners know this – that’s part of the reason they sign up.

How can we say that after we just told you about our somewhat-Draconian partner swap-out policy?

Well, if our partners aren’t dedicated to their professionalism and their profession, by keeping up with the bleeding-edge of their functional areas – whether it be New Media, Online Marketing, Public Relations or whatever, then why should we be loyal to them?

That’s not fair to our other consultant-partners who defend their reputations with their lives. If they are going to be judged with our other team-mates then they insist on going into battle with the best.

Nor is it fair to our client-partners. If we tell you we have top-notch marketers working on your engagements, we want them to be the best that we can find out there. We don’t believe in false advertising – our reputations can’t afford it.

And please don’t kid yourself. Everyone is replaceable – all jobs are temporary in this kill-or-be-killed global marketplace.

And our reputation is everything, for as Othello would say, he who steals my purse steals trash. Reputation is the emperor of our destiny.

If at any point our team-mates want to sit back, fill a slot in some company, crouched over in a cubicle-alter, worshipping corporate gods that will keep them on welfare, then they’re free to go.

Some corporate marketers we’ve met over the years survive in the snakepit because they know how to play politics and/or their bosses are stupid and/or their bosses are asleep at the wheel.

Doesn’t matter which one of these holds true, everybody better wake up – it’s all going to be performance-driven in no time. Google is forcing marketing accountability on us.

So when it comes to loyalty, we only want to work with soldiers, slaves to performance, dogs of war, ready for us to let slip

As Kyle “You Bastards!” Broflovski says on South Park: “If you’re not on the team, get out of the stadium.” We really believe that – even though it was voiced by a cartoon character. Consultant-partners that don’t want to play by these ruthless rules are uninvited.

And understand that we’re not really making the rules – the marketplace is. If you’re not serious about accountable marketing, we don’t want you to play in our sandbox because we don’t want to get sand kicked in our face because of you.

And so, our loyalty is to our clients first and foremost - or we all die. Because we only keep what we kill.



Our 5 Cardinal Rules of Engagement

So before you contact us, know these 5 Cardinal Rules that we will not make exceptions to:

- We’re not cheap – but you pay us only on performance. If we don’t increase your profitability, we don’t pass go, we don’t collect. Therefore…

- We’re very selective about whom we take on as client-partners – if we determine that we can’t help you, we won’t.

If we determine that your product is not marketable or if you are wedded to weak marketing strategies, or if you just don’t understand that there are things that you don’t understand, then don’t waste your money and don’t waste our time.

- We don’t work with assholes.

- We don’t work with jackasses.

- We are ruthless – again, we don’t practice Wimp Marketing if you are looking for marketing self-masturbation then we suggest you close your door and keep your marketing in-house.



An Example of the Type of People We Refuse To Work With

For those of you who want an example of a prospective client that we recently turned away, here goes.

We had a “marketer” in a fairly well-known online company approach us supposedly seeking guidance. But when we started talking to this “marketer,” we realized that this “marketer” did not have confidence in their product.

They actually said that their product was “crappy” and so we assumed – which we don’t like to do but in this case it was the only thing we had time to do – we assumed that this “marketer” was only hanging around because they couldn’t get a job elsewhere.

They had found their comfortable little hole where they could hide their head and excuse themselves for lack of performance because their product was “crappy”.

And since product and positioning are the first two – and most important - Ps of the 4 Ps of Marketing, we graciously bowed out.

Understand that we didn’t think that their product was unmarketable.

On the contrary, we thought it was pretty damn powerful. But this “marketer” had zero-confidence. So we pleasantly passed on the assignment.

By the way, if anyone from that corporation is reading this right now – and we don’t presume that anyone reads our drivel, but just in case, our parting piece of advice is that you should disappear that wimp marketer before that sour sickness spreads throughout your company and into your customer base.

Again, we really don’t want to waste your time – and we can’t afford to waste ours. And we can’t afford to have more-cluttered email boxes than we already have.

So that’s how we roll. If you’re cool with that, contact us.